Miserable Xbox Achievements





      Console Gaming today has more features than we can count compared to back in the glorious SNES days, one of these is the ability to track and record "Achievements" (Xbox) and "Trophies" (PS3) giving some additional motivation to continue playing games, mastering games, and some solid proof for bragging rights among friends and rivals.

      While some "Achievements" can be tricky and time consuming, some can be extremely easy to get and OTHERS are absolutely ridiculous and/or impossible to obtain (varying through Insane Difficulty to Unobtainable because of discontinued servers).

Here's a list of God-awful "Achievements" that have turned me into a miserable fuck:


Hell Yeah! Wrath of the Dead Rabbit


" JACKPOT!! " (40G)


You won the Grand Prize!


     A Luck-based achievement that is obtained through the in-game slot machine. You need to get 7-7-7 in a Slot Machine... It wasn't pretty.

     Hell Yeah! was developed by Arkedo, Published by SEGA, and is available on PC, Xbox 360, and PS3. I would rate it overall a 7/10.






Pure


" No Messing " (25G)


Complete World Tour Mode while participating in a maximum of 42 events


     To get this shit, you need to play every "event" as soon as it unlocks. I prefer maxing out every event in order, unlocking boosts, parts, and upgrades.

Thanks Pure, for not letting me play the way I want to.






Beautiful Katamari


" 50 Hours Playtime " (40G)



....Bah!


" 100 Hours Playtime " (80G)


DOUBLE BAAHHHH !!


     Beautiful Katamari, one of the first games I purchased with my Xbox 360. Fun, quirky, trippy, crazy.
I enjoyed my time with Beautiful Katamari, lot's of collectables and high replay value. But..
The game takes approximately 6 hours to complete, and around 10 to Master. I've played every level multiple times, and found every hidden item and character. If I want an extra 120 GamerScore under my name, I'll need to leave my xbox running idle for 85+ Hours.




Tony Hawk's Pro Skater HD


" Completionist " (100G)


Completed all Projectives with one character


     I might be exaggerating towards this one, I just remember a lot of frustration when I completed every single challenge in Career Mode and didn't unlock this achievement.

     Upon 100% completion of Career Mode, the "Projectives" are unlocked, which are practically an entire secondary Career Mode - Expert Edition. I spent a few days rocking these projectives in a controller-breaking mood.

It felt pretty damn good when that 100 G's popped up.




Dark Souls


" Knights Honor " (25G)


Acquire all rare weapons.


     Don't get me wrong, I Love Dark Souls.. Love that shit!
But having to use all of the Boss Souls to smith unique weapons is just a waste. Because of this, you can't get currency souls from boss souls, and you have to make a few dozen weapons you will never use.

     You need two of each boss souls in order to make multiple unique weapons, meaning that you need to save up all of your Boss Souls through two and a half playthroughs. (Sif needs to be killed three times, his soul is needed to make 2 swords and a shield). If you accidentally use one of ANY boss souls on yourself, you will need to add another playthrough onto your Dark Souls experience.

Only for the hardcore.



Rocksmith


" Just Super! " (20G)


Beat 150,000,000 points in the Guitarcade game: Super Ducks


To this day nobody has acquired this achievement and I doubt any game testers have either.
Proof? ... right here:



The highest ranking player has only HALF of the points needed to gain this achievement. As you can see, I got more notes in a row than most of the leaders, which multiplies scores drastically, and I got to the point where the game is just too fast to comprehend.



Guitar Hero III


" Meet Your Maker " (20G)


Beat one of the creators of Guitar Hero 3 at their own game


Guh... another potentially unobtainable achievement.
Classified as a "Viral" achievement, the creators and test players of Guitar Hero 3 had this achievement by default, anyone who beat them online within the first few weeks of the release date got this achievement, and anyone who would beat THOSE players then got the achievement, etc.
The only luck in getting this achievement is to browse gaming forums to find someone who already has it, and ask them to "Boost" you for it...
... Don't ask me, I don't have that shit.


" Big 'Ol Pile of Wins " (20G)


Win 500 Online Ranked matches


My head hurts just thinking about how much time it would take to get this... I'm not going to rip into it.


" Enlightened Guitarist " (30G)


Gold Star 20 Songs on Expert


There's a difference between 5-stars and gold stars, if you get every single note in a song without any misses you will earn gold stars... in 20 Songs !? I can see MAYBE 5 songs, but 20 is a lot to ask for.


" Button Masher " (5G)


Win 15 consecutive Ranked songs online using a standard controller


5 Gamerscore?! That's HORSE-SHIT! Everyone online plays on Expert Mode, and even more often, they want to rock "Through The Fire and Flames"... So unless you can play through a 7-minute extreme-speed song 15 times in a row, all while winning consecutively for those 15 times with a standard controller ... Props to you.
Until then, Fuck this Achievement and Fuck this game.



Dead Rising


" 7 Day Survivor " (20G)


Play for 7 days Straight in Survival Mode


This one's at the very top of my shit-list... 1 in-game day is equivalent to 2 real-time hours, meaning that in order to get this achievement, you need to play for 14 HOURS STRAIGHT in "Survival Mode".
Note: Survival Mode is hard as balls.
Note: You cannot save in Survival mode.
Note: Survival Mode... Survival Mode, Survival Mode, Survival Mode!



The Orange Box (Half-Life 2)


" Keep Off The Sands " (20G)


Cross the antlion beach in chapter 8 without touching the sand


(Half-Life) To get this one, You need to endure the classic "the floor is lava" you played as a kid.
On Chapter 8, if you touch the ground, giant bugs emerge from the sands... SOMETIMES. You can't tell if you've SLIGHTLY touched the sand, leaving this experience in a constant SAVE, LOAD, SAVE, LOAD, SAVE, LOAD, LOAD, LOAD...LOAD.....LOAD.......
The task isn't too hard, but it's time consuming and if you THINK you've gotten through it safely, you might just have to do it over again.


" The One Free Bullet " (40G)


Beat Episode One firing exactly one bullet


(Half-Life: Episode One) You can only shoot one bullet throughout the ENTIRE GAME, but your single shot must only be used on a padlock to open a door.
Nothing beats having to play a first-person shooting game without the ability to shoot..... guhhh.


" Little Rocket Man " (30G)


Send the garden gnome into space


(Half-Life: Episode Two) To earn this achievement, you have to carry a garden gnome throughout the entire game and place it in a rocket near the end. Which means that you have to hold this god-forsaken useless gnome item in front of your face throughout the entire play-through... It was dreafully annoying.
Some frustration may include: Having to shoot the gnome across vast levels, constantly stopping in your vehicle, shooting it again, and repeating until the end of a gigantic driving level... get it?
Imagine Mario Kart, if whenever you shot a banana, you had to get out of your kart, pick it up, shoot it again, repeat throughout the whole circuit and get first place.. Ridiculous.

~Rew






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